A moment of rage

First the highlights of the last month. I've been on a ten-day Alaskan cruise with my mom and sister, (and I loved every minute of it) I've been to an evening seminar with John Kehoe about Mind Power which registered deeply with me and I've completed two incredible Peak's events in L.A.: the World's Greatest Marketing Seminar and Train the Trainer. I've also engaged in a 30-day test of a new gourmet coffee product and am in the midst of a 90-day external detoxification program (rash city).

When I was at the World's Greatest Marketing Seminar in September, I was put through a rigorous process of defining what I want to do, (what am I selling?) why I want to do that (what need am I meeting?) and how I would do that in an effective way (marketing). I feel like I arrived at the seminar with a big lump of wet, high-quality clay, (my idea) and left the seminar with it molded into something almost ready for the kiln, but not quite. After Train the Trainer, I now feel like it's ready for the kiln and that getting out there and doing it will be like putting my creation into the fire. It will either explode or it will hold together. We'll see!

At Train the Trainer I had an unusual moment of rage come upon me. I lined up after the event to speak briefly with the Peak's trainer who was in charge. I waited about 10 minutes for the two people ahead of me to finish, a plump, sweet middle-aged Latino woman and a tall, dark and handsome French-Canadian man in his mid-30s. While I waited, a line up of three or four more people formed behind me. I was impressed how the leader seemed to be fully connecting with the people ahead of me despite so many other people waiting in line. He seemed to be taking his time and going in-depth with them. I was looking forward to my own time with him. I had this "great" idea which I thought he was going to love. And when I finally stepped up, I was clever by introducing it in a way I had learned at the World's Greatest Marketing Seminar, I asked, "Would you be interested in hearing about a simple way you could increase your profits by cutting costs, help the environment AND add to your credibility almost immediately?" I thought I would get a gushing, Hell yes!

Instead, his response shocked me and he said something like, "I'm sorry but I don't think this is right time or place to talk about a business deal." HELLO? A business deal? What business deal? Had I said something about a business deal? I really felt like he'd slapped me in the face.

I felt misunderstood, unheard and unvalued. That's it, I was triggered. If I hadn't been triggered, I would have simply clarified, "Oh I'm sorry if I gave you the impression it was a business deal I wanted to talk about, it's actually just a great idea I wanted to share with you, may I continue?"

But no, I was triggered. And if it wasn't for the environment, I would have loved to have told him where to put his business deal and walked away, but for the sake of reducing future garbage, I forced myself to complete the conversation (not without pointing out that I had said nothing about a business deal and in fact was not proposing anything of the sort) and my idea was received positively by him, more or less, once he finally opened up to hearing it.

Yet I was still trembling with rage and didn't know why exactly. Afterall, he'd listened to me in the end. And I even let him know how much I enjoyed his leadership over the last few days. But when I walked away I was still fuming inside. Why didn't he want to give me the time of day after he had given his time generously to the two people ahead of me? A wonderful friend was nearby and allowed me to vent. It felt really great, luxurious even, when I blurted out, "What a @#%@&^ a-hole!" But while that was a fun release, I knew it was not the point. I still felt upset and my friend tried to help me let go of my negative thoughts quickly.

Then I bumped into the person who had been in line ahead of me and told him what had happened and that I was still fuming. Well bless his heart, he told me the exact same thing had happened to him last year and he had felt just as enraged as I did. Funny how that made me feel better immediately. He reassured me it wasn't about me at all, but rather he'd learned that the leader hadn't noticed the line up until just then and just kind of became a bit short. He reassured me he was certain that's what happened with me.

Regardless what was going on with the leader, upon reflection I realize my own reaction had everything to do with me. Why was I so triggered? Life's too short and precious to waste any of it on one's own virtual reality. There's a lot here for me to look at about myself, from old victim stories to... new victim stories! I mean, it's not being angry that I have a problem with, it's the confusion that it caused me. Either it was pure and then I must ask myself, why didn't I express it? Or it was impure and then I must ask myself, what story am I holding onto? Alas, I guess this is something I'll be pondering and hopefully growing through in the months to come.

Coming up.... another adventure with John Kehoe at his two-day intensive, "The Subconscious and Beyond" Oct 24 & 25. I'm going with my oldest dearest friend and can't wait!

Lots of love,

Tosh
I'm committed to compassion and empowerment